Love Handles
by Hoprocker
Summary: She believes she can change him. He refuses to change. Should you truly try to change the one you love? Or can you only change yourself? ...Or should you even bother if it's freaking Wario. WaFit crack ship
1. The Sleepover

_**Dear God, what have I done.**_

 _ **I guess this was a "challenge accepted" kind of deal. Not meant to be taken seriously. If you read this entire story you probably deserve some kind of award. It was going to be a oneshot, but then I decided to make it a twoshot. Because you can't fit Wario's girth into just one chapter.**_

* * *

The annual Super Smash Brothers Ball was fast approaching. This year was perhaps the most exciting year yet, what with the influx of female residents within the Smash Mansion. Eager male smashers were practically scrambling over one another in their haste to ask their lady of choice to accompany them. Some made an extravagant show of asking, while others were lower key. It was an exciting time had by all.

With just three more days to go until the ball, Princess Peach decided to throw a huge sleepover in one of the mansion's common rooms. Girls only.

They brought all sorts of sweet, fattening snacks and piled the plush couches high with pillows and blankets. Peach brought along tons of make-up, hair accessories, and nail polish, though not all of the women were terribly interested. The top priority tonight (besides building a fort utopia) would be talking about who had asked them to the ball and how.

But there was one female smasher who did not yet have a date: Wii Fit Trainer.

The other ladies chattered away about whom they were going with. And as each revealed their date, Wii Fit Trainer began to feel self-conscious.

Why had no one asked her? Was it the soulless mannequin stare? Or perhaps the fact that she couldn't go two minutes without spouting some fitness fact?

While she pondered this, the conversations carried on.

"Really, I'm glad Mario didn't make a big deal out of it when he asked me! He's never been much for the dramatic." Peach batted her eyelashes in Zelda's direction. "What about you? Link is so lazy, I doubt he did anything over the top!"

Zelda shifted uncomfortably. "I'm not going with Link. He couldn't get his crap together and ask me, so…I'm going with someone else."

Peach gasped. Her eyes always lit with a certain mania at the prospect of gossip. It was mildly terrifying. "WHO?!" she shrieked, looking ready to lunge at Zelda.

"You'll see…" Zelda mumbled, eyes searching for help. Her gaze settled on Rosalina. "Rosa! Who are you going with?"

Rosalina was delicately sipping a glass of lemonade. Upon hearing Zelda's question, she lowered it from her lips and calmly said, "Initially I asked Waluigi, but he ran off screaming 'WAAA!' so I'm going with Luigi instead. As friends, of course, since he has Daisy."

Wii Fit Trainer flinched upon hearing the sacred 'WAAA!' uttered aloud. It always caused her heart to skip a beat and her mind to cloud with memories. She barely heard the continuing conversation.

Samus was going with Captain Falcon. Greninja was going with Charizard and Pikachu, as friends. Lucina was going with Shulk, Bayonetta with Pit, Palutena with Cloud, Robin with Chrom (she refused to go with anyone else), and the little pink-haired Villager had gotten Ness to agree to accompany her.

"Only because I threatened him!" the Villager said cheerfully.

Everyone laughed, thinking she was kidding.

The Villager just smiled.

Peach cleared her throat. "And Jigglypuff, of course, is going with Kirby—"

"Bitch, please!" Jigglypuff said, snapping her little fingers in the sassiest manner. "I'm so over that pink marshmallow. His brain is as big as my thumb."

"What thumb?" Samus blinked.

"You can always attend with my group if you don't have a date," Greninja offered kindly.

Jigglypuff's cheeks puffed with annoyance. "I have a date. It's Meta Knight. He is _so_ edgy and mysterious. Have you heard his voice? And that mask! He's the sexiest marshmallow there ever—"

Wii Fit Trainer sighed deeply, no longer listening. Her sigh was heard by Princess Peach, despite Jigglypuff's fangirling.

"Wii Fit Trainer!" Peach said, whipping her finger in her direction. "You haven't told us who your date is!"

She blinked, snapping back to reality. "Oh. I don't have one yet," she said flatly.

Peach gasped. "Ooh, lucky you! There are still so many guys without a date. They're going to be clambering over one another to get to you!" She tittered with delight.

Wii Fit Trainer's heart felt heavy. There was only one man she wanted clambering towards her. Her face turned red at the thought.

Zelda noticed. Her eyebrow arched with curiously. "Did you have someone in mind?"

"N-No," Wii Fit Trainer stuttered.

"Ooh, she totally does!" Jigglypuff squealed. "Who is it? Ryu? Ike?"

"Roy?" Robin guessed.

"Little Mac?" Samus added. "Corrin? Now he's a catch!"

Wii Fit Trainer just shook her head, avoiding everyone's gazes as they named all of the most eligible bachelors in the mansion. When they had run through the list—twice—some of the ladies began to look concerned.

"Not…Olimar?" Lucina said with a frown.

"Bowser!" The Villager clapped her hands like she had figured it out.

Peach narrowed her eyes. "Um, Bowser if off limits so you better not—"

"No, no! It's none of those," Wii Fit Trainer said hurriedly.

Some of the girls began to look more and more horrified. Their lips moved, forming the names of smashers they didn't dare say aloud.

"…King Dedede?" Palutena was brave enough to whisper. "Did he seduce you?"

"No!" Wii Fit Trainer blurted out, looking equally disturbed. "Why? Did he seduce _you_?"

Peach cut off Palutena before she could answer, shouting, "Oh, fess up already! It's obvious you like someone. Just tell us who it is!"

Wii Fit Trainer shook her head vehemently. "I can't. Just keep guessing. I'll tell you if you get it right."

So the ladies went back through the list, including some of the more unconventional smashers this time around. She couldn't help but feel a little insulted when they guessed Lucas, like she was some kind of cougar. She grimaced when they said Donkey Kong's name too. Go to the ball with that big, hairy ape?! Well, okay, that was kind of mean. His smile was A+.

"Well, that's everyone," Peach sighed, throwing her hands up in defeat. "We went through all of the boys twice."

Everyone nodded in defeat.

Wii Fit Trainer could feel her pale face turning redder and redder. She could do nothing to hide it. "You skipped one," she said softly.

Peach looked straight at Wii Fit Trainer. Her blue eyes were so intense, the fitness trainer was certain she was looking right through to her soul. For a long time, they just stared at one another. "No, I went through everyone, I…" she trailed off. Her expression mutated to sheer terror. "No."

"What? What is it?" Jigglypuff asked eagerly, looking from smasher to smasher.

One by one, it seemed to dawn on the other girls. They just goggled at Wii Fit Trainer, as though they could hardly believe it. Except for Jigglypuff, who still looked out-of-the-loop and frustrated.

Because he wasn't even an option. Because he was the last one anyone would ever expect Wii Fit Trainer to have feelings for.

"Yes," she said, almost shamefully. "It's…"

"Don't say his name!" Peach said sharply. As if there would be no going back after doing so.

Too late.

Wii Fit Trainer's lips moved, caressing the name with all of her love.

"Wario."

* * *

" _This sucks! Jogging is literally the worst!" Wario griped. He was lying on his back in a pool of his own stinking sweat. His stubby legs flailed aimlessly, but he didn't get up._

" _What are you doing?" Wii Fit Trainer asked, trying to suppress a laugh. "Get up and we'll do some stretches."_

" _The only thing I'm stretching is my mouth when I inhale a double-decker meat lovers' pizza!" Wario opened his maw just to demonstrate how wide it could go. Then he snapped it shut with a click of his teeth._

 _A wave of garlic hit Wii Fit Trainer's nose. Ahh. It smelled like a delicious Italian meal._

 _One that had been sitting in a dumpster for a week._

" _I asked you what you were doing," Wii Fit Trainer said, placing her hands on her hips._

" _Whatsit look like, toots?! I'm jogging! I'm just lettin' gravity do the work!" He guffawed, continuing to flail his legs with hardly any effort. A fart ripped the air. A few seconds later, the smell of garlic was replaced with the gaseous stench._

 _That was what Wii Fit Trainer loved about him. He wasn't afraid to be himself. Absolute confidence._

 _But there was one thing she didn't love about him. To put it simply, it was his physique. Her heart fell every time she caught sight of those love handles spilling over the edges of his tight pink pants. The sight of his moobs jiggling on the battlefield left her in a state of depression._

" _Wario, I wish you would put more effort into your cardio. Your biceps are flawless. With some work, I'm sure the rest of you could be."_

" _Whatchutalkinbout?! I'm flawless all over! Wario hot stuff, baby!" He sprang to his feet, surprisingly nimble for his size. Then he scratched his butt ferociously._

I know, _Wii Fit Trainer almost said aloud. Instead, she just shook her head. "Wario, I just want you to be healthy. I've seen the way you eat, especially on the battlefield, and it worries me."_

" _Yeah, yeah, heart attacks are the leading cause of death and blah blah blah," Wario said. He'd shifted his attention from his itchy butt to his clogged nostrils. He went "mining for gold" in their deep, dark depths._

" _Just…stop eating TNT boxes and machine parts, okay?" Wii Fit Trainer muttered. The fight was beginning to go out of her. "And try to stick to the cardio regime I scheduled for you. It'll do wonders for your health."_

 _Wario flicked a booger off his finger. "If I need to go anywhere, I'll take my bike. Running is for suckers!"_

 _Wii Fit Trainer tried to smile. "Your motorcycle, huh? Maybe you could give me a ride sometime."_

 _Wario flashed her thumbs-up. "Girl, you can straddle my hog anytime you like!" He turned and swaggered from the fitness center, his ginormous butt sashaying from side to side as he went._

 _And that was when Wii Fit Trainer knew that she was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with Wario._

* * *

The sleepover was ruined. The rest of the night, the female smashers tried to delve into Wii Fit Trainer's psyche. Why would she ever fall for someone as disgusting, arrogant, and morbidly obese as Wario? His entire existence went against everything she stood for. It wasn't possible.

None of them said anything about his award-winning personality or his sense of style or his perfect mustache. Wii Fit Trainer's fists began to clench with rage as they bashed him well into the night.

"Okay, I think we've finally worked it out," Peach said. "You're not in love with Wario, but rather, you're in love with what you could do for him. Kind of like one of those girls who sees a broken guy and has to fix him. Know what I'm saying?"

"I know what you're saying and I don't agree," Wii Fit Trainer said in a voice like ice. "You really think I don't know my own heart well enough to judge whether or not I'm in love?"

There was an explosion of reaction from the other ladies. "Don't say that word," Samus groaned, facepalming. "GIRL, you're in love with Wario, of course you don't know anything!" Palutena shouted, while the Villager shrieked "I LIKE PIE."

Wii Fit Trainer rose to her feet, brimming with fury. Cruel words boiled at the back of her throat, just waiting to spring forth and scald her friends. Then there was a comforting hand on her arm.

"You can't change how you feel," Princess Zelda said quietly. "But Wii Fit Trainer…you can't change him, either."

For some reason, Wii Fit Trainer felt like she had been struck. "I don't want to change him!" she cried out. "I like him just the way he is!" She whirled around and strode towards the exit. The others called out after her, telling her to come back and stay, but she refused to listen.

She left, slamming the door behind her. Then she paused, listening back for her friends' reactions.

"She crazy!" the Villager giggled in a high-pitched voice.

"She is," Peach agreed.

Wii Fit Trainer just rolled her eyes.

Despite everyone's reactions, Zelda's words had upset her far more than anything else. It was like she had seen right through her. And thanks to Peach, she was beginning to question her own feelings.

 _Is it true? Am I in love with the fact that he's a challenge, that I can get him to lose weight? Is that all this is?_

She felt pathetic. Dragging her feet, she headed back to her room, moving sluggishly through darkened hallways. But just as she turned a corner, her heart nearly leapt out of her throat.

She knew that rotund silhouette anywhere. Wario was coming down the hall in her direction. Wii Fit Trainer was tempted to dodge back around the corner, but he'd already seen her. He came her way, tweaking his mustache and arching his eyebrow in an irresistible way.

"Hey! Isn't it past your bedtime? I thought you health nuts were supposed to go to bed at 4 o'clock." Upon drawing closer, Wario noticed something a little off. He squinted into Wii Fit Trainer's face. "You got somethin' in your eye."

"Oh. It's not that, I'm just crying," The fitness trainer said, dabbing at her pupiless eyes.

"Whaaat?" Wario's jaw hung open. "You have emotions?!"

"Yes…"

"I thought you were a robot."

"Well…even robots are capable of love," Wii Fit Trainer said quietly.

Wario just snorted. "Okay. G'night."

He went to step around her, but she cried out, "Wait!"

Wario paused, mystified.

Wii Fit Trainer could feel the color rushing to her face. She would have much rather not done what she was about to do. But she was tough enough to pull it off. And if she didn't do it, this relationship would never go anywhere…

"Will you…will you go to the Super Smash Brothers Ball with me?"

Wario blinked. "What ball?"

"The…the one held in the mansion every year."

"Will there be food?"

"…Yes."

"HECK YEAH! I'm in!" Wario pumped his fists. "But you're treatin'!"

He began to move past her once more, but Wii Fit Trainer put out a hand to stop him. "So you'll be m-my…date?" He hadn't made it very clear.

She nearly collapsed in relief when Wario nodded. "Sure thing, hotcheeks! So long as you don't try to make me EAT a date! Wahahaa!" Finally, he moved on.

Wii Fit Trainer let him go. For the rest of the night, she couldn't stop beaming. Even when her cheeks hurt. This feeling couldn't be wrong. She didn't care what the other girls thought. They were just jealous they could never have a love as pure as the love of Wario.

 _I'll show them,_ Wii Fit Trainer thought determinedly. _I don't need to change him. I'm happy enough just to be with him. They'll see…they'll all see._


	2. The Ball

_**People are reading this? I'm so sorry. I mean—thank you! I'm glad you're enjoying it. I hope it makes you laugh!**_

 _ **Looks like there are going to be three chapters now. Don't know how that happened, but it will definitely stop there. The third chapter will be really short. Enjoy it while it lasts.**_

 _ **Also I'm glad I finally get to write Waaaluigi! He's my spirit animal.**_

* * *

The day of the ball had arrived!

Excitement buzzed through the mansion while servants prepared food and decorated the banquet hall. The female smashers were gathering once again, helping each other with hair and makeup. "For the First Time in Forever" was playing on repeat from Princess Peach's room.

But Wii Fit Trainer would have nothing to do with her friends today. She had locked herself in her room for some "mii time." Besides, she didn't want anyone else to know she was enjoying this sort of primping. Everyone else saw her as a health nut that was always sweaty from the gym. They would receive a shock when they saw her tonight.

She kept her hair down, straightening it, but curling the ends. Then she combed it until it shone. After that, she put on just a bit of eyeliner and mascara to make her soulless eyes pop a little more. She painted her nails too, hoping Wario would like the color. A pinkish-purple hue.

As for her dress, she had selected a daffodil-yellow gown that hugged her trim figure and flowed at the bottom. "You look like a princess!" would probably be the first words out of Peach's mouth tonight, when she saw her. She wondered how much of a compliment that was, coming from a princess.

Anyways, once she was finished, she sat carefully down in a chair and opened up a relaxing book about yoga. Every so often, she glanced at the clock eagerly. The ball started in less than an hour. Wario would be here any time to escort here and, like it or not, the other smashers would just have to face her feelings for him.

And so would she.

* * *

"Ey! Waluigi!" Wario called, waving to his best bro for life. "Get over here and getta loada this chocolate fondue fountain!"

Waluigi came stalking over with a scowl planted on his face. Of course, he always wore a grimace, but this one was etched even deeper into the lines of his face. Wario knew his friend well enough to realize something was wrong.

Too bad he didn't really care. The chocolate fondue fountain was more important. "Watch this!" Wario declared, submerging his entire face into the fountain. His monstrous jaws clacked, spewing melted chocolate in every direction. It splattered his overalls and nearly landed on Meta Knight's cape, who teleported swiftly to safety. The knight leveled a dirty glare at Wario, who just laughed.

"I can't believe-a this!" Waluigi burst out suddenly. "How could Rosalina come to the ball with Luigi and not WA-luigi?! She even asked me! ME!"

Wario's face surfaced from the fountain. He licked the chocolate from his scraggly mustache thoughtfully. "She asked you? HA! What'd you say to that?"

"I said-a WAAAA! Which obviously means 'yes and I am very much looking forward to sharing a magical night with you!'"

"Obviously!" Wario grunted.

Waluigi crossed his arms and glowered at his pointy feet. "I hate everybody! I even wore my best tux for the occasion."

It was true. Waluigi was looking very spiffy in a purple tailcoat. But Rosalina hadn't even noticed him. She was conversing with Luigi by the punch, laughing at a lame joke he'd just cracked. Waluigi's gaze bored holes into the green plumber. If looks could kill, Luigi would be six feet under.

"Eh, women. What can you do?" Wario said, already bored with the conversation. He started halfheartedly cleaning house in his left nostril. "Speaking of which, I wonder where my date got off to."

Waluigi jerked in surprise. "You have a date?"

"Yup. And she's late."

"You didn't escort her here?"

"Why would she need an escort? She lives here, doesn't she?"

Waluigi suddenly gazed upon his best friend with horror in his eyes. Wario was a disaster. He wasn't dressed for the occasion and wore a grubby mask of chocolate on his face. The stench of body odor and garlic wafted from him in waves. He was in no state to escort a lady to a ball.

"What's-a WRONG with you?!" Waluigi burst out. "You have no class! COME ON!" He grabbed his buddy by the hand and dragged him from the ballroom.

"Not so fast!" Wario groaned, holding his stomach. "I just ate!"

"You always just ate," Waluigi snapped. "Anyways, you're already late! We gotta get you ready for the ball. We gotta _Pretty Woman_ you!"

Wario rolled his eyes. "I still can't believe you made me watch that crap. When you said it was gonna be about a hooker, I was expecting somethin' a little more—"

"Oh, shut up!"

"You shut up!"

The two bickered all the way back to Wario's room. Once inside, Waluigi reached in and yanked Wario's only tuxedo out of the closet. It was the color of mustard with a large brown stain on the front. Waluigi looked at it in disgust. "You can't wear this."

"Then lend me one of yours," Wario said.

Waluigi shook his head angrily. "You'll stretch it all out, stupid!"

"Stop callin' me stupid and help me get ready for the ball!" Wario growled.

The two friends looked at each other for a long moment, then burst out laughing.

"Just call me _Waa_ nderella," Wario chuckled.

"I suppose that makes me your Fairy Waamother!" Waluigi waaed. "Just let me wave my magic waand and you'll be ready for the ball!"

"Waanderful!" Wario could barely speak between guffaws.

Both fell to the ground and rolled around laughing. One minute later, they were all serious business. Wario put on his tux while Waluigi hunted down some stain-remover and deodorant. Wario trimmed his dirty finger nails, combed his hair, and waxed his mustache to perfection. Then he pulled on the yellow tuxedo. Waluigi completed the look with a purple bowtie from his own collection.

"You're ready," Waluigi announced, positioning Wario in front of a mirror.

Wario stared back at the stranger he saw there. Then he glanced at the clock. "Gah! I'm already an hour late! I'm-a turn into a pumpkin if I don't go soon!"

"Go to her, Wario!" Waluigi cried as his friend rushed out the door. "Wait a minute—who even is she?!" But Wario was already gone. Waluigi slumped to the floor with a sigh, his energy spent.

Maybe he couldn't have his magical night, but his best friend certainly could. He silently wished him all the luck in the world.

Then he went back to his room to play darts with a picture of Luigi's face.

* * *

There was a rough knock on the door. Wii Fit Trainer jumped in surprise and quickly wiped her tears away. "Who is it?" she asked, trying to speak past the lump in her throat.

There was no response, except for more furious knocking. Suddenly, the hinges buckled under the forceful knocking and the door crashed to the ground at Wii Fit Trainer's feet. She stared down at it in shock. Then she looked up.

Before her stood Wario, looking more handsome than she had ever seen him before. He looked down at the door, muttered "Whoops," then raised his eyes to hers. Upon seeing the Wii Fit Trainer, Wario's jaw dropped.

"Whoa! I must be in the wrong room." Without so much as an apology, Wario turned to escape down the hall.

Wii Fit Trainer giggled. "Very funny, Wario."

At the sound of Wii Fit Trainer's voice, Wario realized he _did_ have the right room and quickly tried to cover his tracks. "I mean—is this Palutena's room because you look like a _goddess_ ," he said with a cheesy grin.

"So what took you so long?" Wii Fit Trainer asked, imagining an answer like "I was getting ready and wanted to look my best for you" or "I was building up the courage to come here."

"I forgot about you," Wario blurted.

Wii Fit Trainer smiled. Even better. "You're so honest. That's what I like best about you, Wario."

"Yeah, well, what I like best about me is my stomach capacity. Let's get back to the ball, I'm starvin'!" He grabbed the fitness trainer's hand and dragged her out the door. She had to bend over to compensate for the height difference.

"Wait. You were already at the ball?" she asked.

"Yeah. I said I forgot about you, remember?!"

The two made their way to the ballroom. From outside, Wii Fit Trainer could hear pounding music and the chatter of many happy smashers. Hopefully not yet getting smashed as the night was just getting started.

They stepped inside. Colorful lights blazed. A number of their friends were tearing it up on the dance floor while others lingered by the buffet tables. Everyone was dressed to the nines. Wii Fit Trainer could feel her heart swelling with excitement. The party atmosphere was infectious. She smiled at Wario, who smiled at the whole turkey he would soon be consuming.

"Let's eat!" he declared.

"Yes, let's," Wii Fit Trainer said.

They approached the food. Peach, Mario, and Bowser were already over there. Mario and Bowser seemed to be arguing while Princess Peach watched with a dainty grin. When she saw Wii Fit Trainer, she squealed and clapped her hands. "Oh! Wii Fit Trainer, you look like a—" Then her eyes fell on her date. "…Wario."

"Princess," Wario said, coming over and plucking a shishkebab right out of her hands. "Man, this looks great!" He shoved the snack right down his throat, toothpick and all.

Peach just looked on in disgust. Then she turned her judgmental gaze back to Wii Fit Trainer, who tried to ignore her. "Wow, this all looks so delicious," the trainer said forcefully, suddenly becoming very interested in a giant bowl of mashed potatoes. "I wonder what I should try first?"

"How about all of it?" Wario said. "Watch this!" He opened his cavernous maw and inhaled. The suction was so strong, food flew right off its plate and into his mouth. The entire display made Wii Fit Trainer's stomach roil.

"That can't be healthy—" she started to say and stopped herself. _No. I need to stop trying to change him._ So she shut her mouth and watched him eat a ten course meal in thirty seconds.

At the end of his display, there was the sound of applause. Everyone looked down the table to see King Dedede and Kirby clapping their hands. "Bravo!" Dedede called. Wario took a bow.

Peach opened her mouth to say something, but thankfully a distraction came along in the form of the Villager. "Has anyone seen Ness?" she asked, blinking innocently up at the adults. She wore a pretty pink dress that matched her bubblegum hair.

"I thought I saw him by the punch bowl a few minutes ago," Peach said, then frowned at something the Villager was carrying behind her back. "What's that you have there, sweetie? Did you bring your axe with you?"

Villager giggled. "How _else_ am I going to get Ness to dance with me?" Then she skipped off, humming a happy tune under her breath.

Everyone's gazes trailed her towards the door. Then Peach let out a gasp. Suddenly, Jigglypuff was there too. "OH. EM. GEE. Are you seeing what I'm seeing?!" the stunned Pokemon gasped.

Zelda had just walked in the door with Ganondorf. _Ganondorf._

"Attack position alpha, we have a code red, code red," Peach said, pulling out a walkie talkie and speaking hurriedly into it. "All squadrons proceed to assigned positions. We need backup, I repeat, we need backup!"

Everyone in the room had turned to stare at Zelda. She squirmed under their gazes, wondering if she would ever live this down.

But Wii Fit Trainer couldn't have been happier. All of the attention she had gotten over Wario, all of the concern her friends had shown her, had transferred to Zelda. She could have hugged the princess, she was so happy. But now was not the time. Peach would be swooping in to give her a talking to. Maybe later.

"Wario, let's go dance!" Wii Fit Trainer exclaimed. Her relief shone on her face.

"Aw yeah, baby!" Wario tossed a chicken bone over his shoulder. It nearly smacked Meta Knight in the face, but he rolled aside in a spectacular dodge that no one witnessed.

The couple went to the dance floor. Wii Fit Trainer was ready to show off all her moves. She kicked off her heels and ran out alongside Wario. Then she began stepping back and forth to the beat, pumping her arms and striking random poses.

Wario laughed. "You call that dancing?! You look like you're leadin' a workout session! Lemme show you what _real_ dancing is!"

And that's just what he did. Wii Fit Trainer's jaw dropped as Wario began breakdancing, spinning in circles on the ground and leaping about before her eyes, light as a feather. His fat jiggled like a bowl of jelly and she was entranced. A few other smashers were gathering in a circle around them, watching with wide eyes. Some cheered him on.

"Unh! Unh! BEHHHH!" Wario roared, as he put all other dancers to shame.

He performed every move in the book. The hustle. Gangnam style. The whip and nae-nae. The funky chicken. All flawless. Wii Fit Trainer had never seen anything like it. He even did moves from other worlds. The Malo Mart. The Kirby dance. The Waluigi Crotch-Chop Celebration.

"Oh come now, he's not _that_ good," Ghirahim griped as more and more people gathered around.

"You're just jealous," Skull Kid taunted.

Link frowned, wondering who let these guys in.

The music pounded louder and faster, approaching its climax. Wario leaped on top of a table, while smashers clapped and cheered. He kicked his feet and food went flying, but no one seemed to notice.

 _You know what…Wario is happy just being who he is,_ Wii Fit Trainer thought, smiling up at him fondly. _And I should be too. Wario, I accept who you are with all my heart and I will never try to change you._

"CROWD DIVE!" Wario roared, preparing to launch himself into the crowd. Stronger smashers threw their arms in the air, prepared to receive him, while smart ones ran for cover. But Wario's girth would never put strain on their muscles. For just when he was about to leap off the table, something halted him in his tracks. His feet slipped out from under him. The lost momentum caused him to rocket off the table, headfirst. He landed at the feet of the smashers, who screamed.

Pit knelt by Wario's side. "He's having a heart attack!" he shouted.

Wii Fit Trainer's heart froze.

"Haha, that's hilarious!" Dark Pit laughed.

"It is not! Call a doctor!"

"Call 911!"

"Call Master Hand!"

"Call my mom!"

Everyone was shouting. Everyone except Wii Fit Trainer, who could only stare at Wario, lying facedown on the ground. She was in shock. The voices of the others were muted in her ears. It was just her and Wario. Her, standing there uselessly and him, resembling a bloated corpse.

 _I could have prevented this…with the right fitness schedule and cardio regime, I could have prevented this…!_

Suddenly, Mario was by Wario's side, stethoscope in hand. There was a grave look in his eye. "Mewtwo," he said.

Mewtwo floated over and, with one paw, raised Wario off the ground with his telepathy. Wario's arms dangled limply by his sides.

"Let's-a go," Mario said.

Suddenly, Wii Fit Trainer snapped. "No!" she cried out, rushing forward. "No! No! WARIO!"

"Someone restrain her!"

King Dedede clamped Wii Fit Trainer in a bear hug she couldn't fight back against. She struggled with all her might, but she was immobile. "Wariooooo!" Wii Fit Trainer cried out dramatically as she watched the love of her life taken away before her eyes. She didn't even know if he was alive or dead.

In that single moment, this had become the worst night of her life. _I never even got to share a slow dance with him._

Wii Fit Trainer went limp with defeat. Only when he was certain she wouldn't run off, King Dedede released her. Then he gave her a comforting pat on the head and waddled off to scarf up an entire ice cream cake.

Wii Fit Trainer's female friends approached one by one, cautious. No one knew quite what to say. The fitness trainer just stared at the ground, trying to pretend they weren't there. Then Palutena spoke.

"King Dedede gives the best hugs, doesn't he?" she said randomly.

Zelda's eyes were warm with sympathy. "Wario might be okay."

Wii Fit Trainer looked away.

"Yeah!" Jigglypuff said brightly. "This can't be the first heart attack he's ever had, right?"

Wii Fit Trainer abruptly turned and walked away.

Jigglypuff looked at the others in confusion. "What? I was just trying to help!"

"I think the best help would be leaving her alone right now," Peach said sadly, watching her friend escape towards the exit.

Just before she reached the door, Wii Fit Trainer heard a loud laugh come from her right. It was Bowser.

"Wario knows how to make an exit!" the Koopa King growled, amused. "Death by partying too hard! Couldn't imagine a better way to go."

POW!

Wii Fit Trainer slammed her fist into Bowser's nose with such force that it sent him sprawling across the room. He collided with a far wall, his shell nearly busting a hole.

That made her feel a little better. But it didn't bring Wario back.

 _Forget the ball. I need to see him._

She needed to know if he was okay. And if he wasn't, she would never forgive herself.


	3. Love Handles All

_**Okay that guest review cracked me up.**_

 _ **Last chapter. I can't believe this fic got as many reviews as it did. I expected like…two at most. I feel bad it won't be longer, but the waa stops here. Thanks for joining me on this wild ride. Enjoy!**_

* * *

It had been three days since the ball. Wii Fit Trainer could find nothing to do with her time except worry, worry, and worry. And work out. She could never _not_ work out. But that didn't mean she wasn't worrying the whole time.

The news had come the next morning. Wario would survive, though he needed a few days of bed rest. He was going to be okay. All of the smashers were relieved to hear it and went back to living life normally.

Despite this, she did not venture near the infirmary. Not once. When other smashers turned their conversations to the topic of Wario, she found herself briskly walking away. It was a miserable three days and she spent it in solitude. Her friends approached her once or twice, looking as though they had something to say, but she was out of there before a single word could be spoken.

One morning, she was sulking in her room, wrestling with the idea of going to see Wario. _I want to see him so badly…but at the same time, I don't think I could bear it. Why do I feel like this?_ Her heart clenched painfully.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

"Wii Fit Trainer? Are you in there?"

Wii Fit Trainer stiffened up, hardly daring to breath. It was Peach.

"Oh come on, she's definitely in there. Where else could she be?" Jigglypuff's high-pitched voice followed. "She wasn't in the gym or the cafeteria!"

"Let's not bother her," Zelda's voice said, so quiet that Wii Fit Trainer strained to hear her.

There was a long pause. Then—

"Villager, break down the door," Peach said briskly.

"What!" Both Zelda and Wii Fit Trainer cried at the same time.

The fitness trainer struggled out of bed and made a mad dash for the door, but she was one second too slow. The sound of splintering wood pierced the air. An axe blade came thrusting through a hole in the door. Wii Fit Trainer just gaped in shock. A few more hacks and the hole in the door grew bigger. Then the axe was withdrawn.

An adorable dimpled smile appeared in the hole. "Here's Johnny!" the Villager chirped. Then she reached an arm in and blindly groped for the doorknob.

"I've got it," Wii Fit Trainer mumbled, and let them in.

In the doorway was what looked like a big cloud of pink. Princess Peach, Zelda, Jigglypuff, and the Villager had all come by to visit. Their eyes shone with delight at seeing their long-absent friend. All except for Zelda, who couldn't wipe the guilty grimace off her face.

"Sorry about the door." She winced.

Wii Fit Trainer felt like someone had stabbed her in the chest. The memory of Wario breaking down the door replayed in her mind. Would he ever be able to break down doors ever again?

Peach fixed Wii Fit Trainer in her stern gaze, snapping the fitness trainer out of her thoughts. The princess's eyes were like blue steel. "Just what are you doing here, young lady?"

Wii Fit Trainer goggled at her friend. "Um…this is my room." _Young lady?! Who is she, my mother?_

Princess Peach shook her head. "Unacceptable. You should be down in the infirmary with your man."

Wii Fit Trainer's eyes widened even further. "My MAN?!" she sputtered. She looked to the others for some explanation.

Zelda just nodded while Jigglypuff struggled to hide a smirk. The Villager had grown distracted, pulling out her net to go hunting for cockroaches.

Wii Fit Trainer blinked, looking back at Peach for some explanation. "I thought…I thought you—"

"I was wrong, dear," Peach sighed. "I have no right to judge you for who you love. After all, we only have one life to live…we should be with those who make us happy." She laced her hands together, smiling, eyes warm. "Now go to him."

Wii Fit Trainer hesitated. "But…I'm scared," she blurted out.

"Sometimes you've just got to take a chance and go for it," Zelda murmured.

"Go to him!" Jigglypuff squeaked, punching the air with her little fist.

"CAUGHT ONE!" Villager bellowed.

Wii Fit Trainer felt her soul flood with joy. She could feel her friends' encouragement flowing through her veins. They were right. She should do what made her happy. And staying here, avoiding Wario…it made her miserable.

"I'm going," she declared, unable to keep from beaming.

Her female friends cheered and clapped as she pushed past them and took off running down the hall. They shouted encouragements until she was out of sight. Then they fell silent.

Jigglypuff reached into her nonexistent pocket and pulled out a book. "Good thing we consulted this book of motivational quotes before coming!" she trilled. "Peach, you're a genius!"

Peach just smiled, twirling a piece of blonde hair around her finger. "I know."

"Well…at least it worked," Zelda said. "I'm happy for her."

"Mhm. And now that we're done with her, our next project is you!" Peach declared, rounding on her best friend.

"Nope! Nope! I'm out!" Zelda said, turning into Shiek and blazing down the hallway at the speed of light.

"Oh no you're not! Get back here!"

* * *

As Wii Fit Trainer jogged up to the doors of the infirmary, all of her resolve vanished. The high her friends had granted her was gone. In its place, guilt crashed down like a wave. Inside, she almost couldn't bear to look at Wario.

He was pale and gaunt. Days without food had taken its toll on his glorious fat reserves. His mustache drooped with ill health. Tubes stuck out of his arms and nose, pumping to keep him alive. His heart struggled on the precipice between life and death.

Well, in her mind. In reality, he looked exactly the same.

"Hey toots!" he called, as she walked through the door. "What's shakin'?"

Wii Fit Trainer halted upon seeing him, frozen. For a long time, she just looked at him. He was alive. It looked as if nothing had ever happened. He was still himself. Wario.

Tears bloomed in the corners of her eyes and her lower lip trembled.

"What? Disappointed I'm not dead?" Wario scowled.

"Of course not!" Wii Fit Trainer cried out, throwing herself at him. She attempted to wrap him in a hug, though she could barely get her arms around him. "I'm so glad you're okay!"

Wario farted loudly. "Course I'm okay. That crap happens every week."

Wii Fit Trainer pulled away, looking at Wario with shock. "You have a heart attack every week?!"

"Course not! That just happens after I eat too much and engage in vigorous exercise. I call it a food coma."

Wii Fit Trainer just stared.

"I told you exercise is bad for you!"

"Wario…" Wii Fit Trainer said, feeling a new wave of grief wash over her. She lowered her gaze. A card in a nearby trashcan caught her eye. _Get well soon. From Waluigi._ She sighed. "I just…don't know what to do about you…"

Wario arched an eyebrow. "You're supposed to do somethin' about me?"

"I don't know!" Wii Fit Trainer burst out. "I can't figure this one out! What's the moral of the story here? I tell myself that I love you and shouldn't try to change you, but then this happens. If I don't try and push my values on you, does that mean I'm condemning you to die of poor health?! I just don't know!"

Throughout the entire confession, Wario wore a look of shock. When it was over, he discreetly stuck a finger in his nose and picked thoughtfully. "Waaa…" he muttered under his breath.

Wii Fit Trainer stood up. "I should go." She turned and walked towards the door. Just as she put her hand on the knob, Wario spoke up.

"It's not your problem, you know."

Wii Fit Trainer glanced over her shoulder. "Huh?"

"It's not your problem. It's my life. It's my problem, if you can call it that. I don't!" Wario grinned triumphantly. "You worry about you. I worry about me…and Waluigi, cause that guy can't take care of himself worth a—"

"It's not that simple!" Wii Fit Trainer tried to argue.

"Hey! You wanted a moral to this crap and I gave you one! Now get over here and pucker up, sweetcheeks!"

Wii Fit Trainer blushed furiously. "Huh?"

"Just kidding, just kidding. Anyways, ah…you want to go to Mount Wario?"

Wii Fit Trainer's blush deepened. "Wh-what?" _Do I want to…?!_

"Mount Wario." Wario said, pointing to himself.

Wii Fit Trainer's mouth hung open. It took her ten seconds to remember how to form words properly. "Uh, I-I don't think I'm ready for that step in our relationship—"

"No, genius! Mount Wario is a resort in the mountains!"

"Oh!" Wii Fit Trainer couldn't have felt more embarrassed. If a hole had opened up in the ground in that moment, she would have gladly crawled into it. "You're inviting me on a trip?"

"Yeah," Wario grunted. "Mountain air is supposed to be good for you or something. Besides, I could use a break from this dump. Wanna go?"

Wii Fit Trainer could feel her heart glowing. It was tentative, but it was there. Did this mean Wario was going to start trying for her? It wasn't much, but maybe it was the beginning of something beautiful.

She smiled at Wario, taking in every inch of his glory, every pound. And there were a lot of pounds.

A few days ago, she could barely acknowledge her feelings for him. So much had changed in such little time. And no matter what others thought of her, no matter what the future held, she couldn't be any happier about it.

"I would love to." She smiled.

Wario smiled back—"Waanderful."—and let one rip.

 _~The End~_


	4. A Surprise!

_**WHAT?! A new chapter of LOVE HANDLES?! Well, yes and no. This is an advertisement, but since it's against the website's rules to have a chapter that is only an author's note, it's also an extra chapter of sorts. First things first…drumroll please…**_

 _ **LOVE HANDLES IS NOW ON YOUTUBE!**_

 _ **A talented voice cast has been assembled and is bringing life to all of your favorite characters. There is also some simple animation to give spice to the visuals. Definitely check it out—since it's in a different format, some parts have been rewritten, there is less narration, and there is more dialogue.**_

 _ **If you'd like to relive the fairytale, visit my profile and click on the link at the top. If the link isn't there, search for my profile "twilitprincess" on Youtube. Click on it and it should be there.**_

 _ **Enjoy and make sure to leave a comment!**_

 _ **As for the chapter you're about to read…once again, I joked about a strange pairing and my sister dared me to write a sequel. I have no plans for a full-blown sequel because I feel it wouldn't live up to the original, plus I don't want to become known for writing crack pairings (even though I totally make them work). But I thought of a scene that was just too good to pass up. And who knows, this might even be voiced sometime down the road.**_

 _ **Please enjoy this extra chapter! I call it…Chicken Wings. Hope it makes you laugh!**_

* * *

Palutena paced the length of her room, twirling her staff in her hands. Every so often she would reach for the phone on her bedside table, think better of it, and return to pacing.

Why was she so nervous? It was just Wii Fit Trainer! They were friends. Of course, she had done nothing but mock her relentlessly about her crush on Wario…they hadn't even spoken since the ball took place, a week ago. But there was an apology in order. That, and Palutena needed advice. Love advice. And after seeing the other girls' reactions to Wii Fit Trainer's love for Wario, the fitness trainer might be the only one who would understand her predicament.

Palutena took a deep breath, summoning her courage. _It's just a silly little phone call—you're a goddess! You can handle this._ The thought made her smile. She picked up the phone and input Wii Fit Trainer's number with confidence.

The phone rang twice. Then a harried voice answered. "Hello?" There was a strange sound in the background. It sounded like a motor running.

"Wii Fit Trainer!" Palutena exclaimed. An apology died in her throat. Oh, why was apologizing to mortals so hard? Instead of doing so, she blurted out, "How are you?"

"Palutena?" Even through the phone, Palutena could sense the annoyance radiating from her friend. "Why are you calling me? Is something wrong?"

"N-No…I mean, nothing serious. I'm just looking for a little bit of…advice."

"What sort of advice?"

"Love advice." Palutena nearly choked on the word.

There was a long silence on the other end. Palutena almost thought Wii Fit Trainer had hung up on her. But then her tired voice sighed in her ear. "I'm not so sure I'm the best one to give love advice. I don't have a great deal of experience. Besides, I'm busy right now—I'm going to Mount Wario."

"You're going to WHAT?!"

"I'm going to a _resort_ in the mountains with Wario!" Wii Fit Trainer snapped. "So please don't call me again after this."

"Oh," Palutena said faintly. "Wario's there?"

"He's sleeping right now." Wii Fit Trainer paused and Palutena heard the sound of the motor again. Wait, no—it was Wario snoring. Palutena bit back a chuckle of amusement. "I suppose I can talk for a little bit," Wii Fit Trainer sighed. "So what's wrong? You and Cloud aren't quite clicking?"

The memory of Cloud at the ball came to mind. He looked so sharp in that tuxedo, sharper than his goliath sword. His silken blonde hair was unlike anything Palutena had ever seen. And yet…and yet…

"Yes, I went to the ball with Cloud since he asked me," Palutena said quickly, forcing out the truth. "But there's someone else I like and I don't quite know what to do about it."

"Who is he?" Wii Fit Trainer asked curiously.

Palutena's throat closed with embarrassment. She couldn't bring herself to say it.

"Okay, you don't need to tell me. After all, I've been in your shoes before," Wii Fit Trainer said, understanding. "How about you describe him for me instead?"

Just the thought of her love made Palutena's heart grow warm. Her eyes misted over with memories. "Well, he's big and round…" she said dreamily. "He has the prettiest eyes and the cutest smile…oh, and he's got an appetite like you wouldn't believe—"

"It's WARIO?!" Wii Fit Trainer erupted suddenly. The sound of the motor cut off. "And you made fun of _me!_ You said I should be purified!"

"No, no, it's not-!"

"Who ya talkin' to, babe?" Wario's voice asked casually.

"No one," Wii Fit Trainer answered curtly. Click! The line went dead.

Palutena uttered a short, frustrated sigh. "I wasn't talking about Wario," she told the empty room. Just the _thought_ of dating Wario made her feel nauseous. But she supposed she wasn't one to judge. That's what Peach kept saying—that they shouldn't judge others.

Just then, there was a loud knock on the door. "Who is it?" Palutena asked, daring to hope it might be _him._ She opened the door and blinked back her surprise. "Oh! Hello, Cloud."

"Hey." Cloud looked her up and down. "You look nice today."

Palutena couldn't resist running a hand through her long hair and grinning. "Thank you," she giggled. "May I ask what brings you by?"

Cloud puffed his chest out with confidence and lifted his chin. His gray-blue eyes were serious. "Well…it's been a week since the ball…"

"Yes?"

"And I know I already told you this, but I just wanted to say it again: I had a great time."

"So did I," Palutena said warmly.

"And I was wondering if you'd like to…make our relationship more…official."

Palutena's smile dropped away. She stared at Cloud, wide-eyed with astonishment. She could feel her heart sinking in her chest. "You want to make us official?" she echoed, dazed.

"Yes. So what do you say?"

* * *

At the end of the day, Meta Knight could always be found in the lounge on the western side of the mansion. The setting sun's rays would filter in through the room's gigantic glass windows, bathing the entire room in an orange glow. Perfect for reading, unless a group of rowdy youngsters should decide to invade.

But all was quiet as King Dedede waddled down the hall towards his destination. That is, until he drew closer to the room and heard a sole, high-pitched voice tittering away. That voice definitely did not belong to Meta Knight.

Dedede paused just at the entrance to the lounge. There was Jigglypuff, wearing a huge red ribbon and leaning stiffly against the doorframe. The penguin king felt a flash of annoyance that she was in his way and was tempted to punt her like a soccer ball; like he did to Kirby whenever the pink puffball was in his way. Instead, he forced himself to stop and listen.

"—and I just love to dance!" Jigglypuff blabbered away. "It's um, a shame we don't have these balls more often b-because I'd love an excuse to dance more!" She forced a very awkward laugh. "Wh-What about you, Mety? I bet you'd be a great d-dancer if you just let loose a little! Y…You're s-so cool already!"

Meta Knight was sitting on a great red armchair by the window, two sizes too big for him. An open book sat in his lap. His amber eyes were glued to the page. They did not so much as flicker in Jigglypuff's direction.

King Dedede cleared his throat. Jigglypuff flinched violently and whirled around. When she saw it was Dedede, she relaxed a fraction and called back to Meta Knight, "A-Anyways, I need to go…powder my nose. B-Bye Mety!"

With that, she scuttled from the room while King Dedede wondered: _what nose?_

But Jigglypuff's lack of a nose was quickly forgotten. He had more pressing issues to attend to. The penguin entered the room and plopped himself down on a plush couch across from Meta Knight. He kicked his feet up on the coffee table and grunted loudly, "You're so smooth with the ladies, Meta Knight. How do you do it?"

For a few seconds, there was no response. Meta Knight's eyes flicked to King Dedede. Back down to his book. Back to Dedede and then around the empty room. "…Are you talking to me?"

"Who do you think I'm talking to?!" King Dedede exploded. "You're the only one here, I ain't talkin' to myself!"

"I'm reading," Meta Knight said in his deep voice, fixing Dedede in a cold yellow glare. Any other smasher might have been intimidated and left the room as soon as possible, but not Dedede. He knew Meta Knight well.

So he prattled on without fear. "I've noticed how girls always giggle when you walk by. At first I thought they were gigglin' cause they couldn't handle _me!_ But eventually I realized it was all for you." He frowned deeply, eyeing his old frenemy with suspicion as though he had a disturbing hidden motive.

Meta Knight closed his book with a sigh, knowing he wasn't going to get any reading done with King Dedede around. "I suppose it's the mask," he said with a note of amusement. "Women are attracted to that air of mystery—"

"Nah, I tried wearing a mask and everyone thought somethin' was wrong with me. It's because you're cute."

"I am NOT cute," Meta Knight growled, pounding his little fist on the arm of his chair.

"Sure, sure," Dedede said, waving a hand. "Anyways, I need some love advice…"

Meta Knight's eyes narrowed behind his mask. "What makes you think I am qualified to give you love advice? I am not in a relationship."

Dedede blinked. "What about that lil' hot mama that was just in here, singing your praises?"

Meta Knight continued to squint at Dedede, looking befuddled.

The penguin refrained from face palming. "In case you forgot, her name is _Jigglypuff_."

Still, Meta Knight's expression did not change. "I am not in a relationship with Jigglypuff."

King Dedede's jaw dropped in shock. "What! I thought you went to the ball together!"

"Jigglypuff often tries to speak with me, but I cannot understand what she is saying most of the time. I believe she suffers from a severe speech impediment. Did she really ask me to the ball?"

"Oh, Whispy Woods have mercy," King Dedede groaned. "First of all, Jigglypuff doesn't have a speech impediment, I'm sure she's just nervous talking to you because she likes you! Second, she went around telling the entire mansion and their grandmother that she was going to the ball with _you,_ so either she was lying or you said yes in some form. Third…why'd you even go to the ball if you thought no one asked you?! It doesn't seem like your kind of thing."

"On the contrary, something always goes wrong at special events such as these. I was on standby with my sword, waiting for evil to rear its ugly head." Meta Knight's eyes gleamed at the thought of battle.

King Dedede couldn't resist rolling his own eyes. " _Of course,_ " he said sarcastically.

"Also I am rather partial to those little macaroons that Ganondorf brings every year."

Dedede hopped to his feet, throwing his arms up in a gesture of defeat. "I don't even know why I bothered talking to you about this. If anyone should be looking for love advice, it's _you_." The king turned and began making his way out of the room.

"Not interested," Meta Knight said, reopening his book. "Good luck with Palutena."

King Dedede froze with one foot out the door. Very slowly, he turned around. "What did you say?" he whispered.

"I said I am not interested in a relationship—"

"No, no! The second thing!"

"Good luck with Palutena?"

King Dedede shot across the room and was instantly before Meta Knight. He grasped the knight's cape, bunching it up in his fists. "Who told you?!" he hissed, glaring Meta Knight right in the eye.

"No one told me," Meta Knight said, maintaining his calm. "Any fool with half a brain could tell if they just looked. Now let me go or I will make you."

King Dedede did as he said. He stumbled over to the window and put one hand on it, leaning against it for support. He gazed outside in a rather dramatic fashion, his eyes clouding with memories. "I never thought much of Palutena," he murmured. "When we first met, I didn't even bother remembering her name. She was just another peon to me. I didn't realize that she was actually a goddess."

Meta Knight was observing the ends of his wrinkled cape, twisting it in his hands. "Now I have to iron this," he grouched under his breath.

"Then we _really_ met. I had just come home with the XXXL bucket of chicken wings from Triple D's and I wanted someone to watch me eat it. It was past midnight. Kirby was asleep and I knew you would never go for it…so I convinced Palutena to."

"I'm glad you know me well enough to realize I do not enjoy the sport of watching you eat," Meta Knight snorted.

"So she was watchin' me get all greased up with these chicken wings. And my words were smooth like butter. I was incredibly charming, just like I always am! Then she says, 'how about dinner and a show' and she pulls out her staff and just starts—"

"I did not ask for your entire life story," Meta Knight snapped irritably. "Just get to the point."

Dedede's expression saddened. He came away from the window and sat down heavily in the couch across from Meta Knight. "The point is, I thought we had a good time, but contact fizzled after that and she wound up going with Cloud to the ball. But…"

"But?"

"But that night, we shared one dance. It gave me back my hope, but it's been a week and again, nothin'! I'm not sure where to go with this. Since you and I are friends, I thought—"

"Acquaintances."

"Fine. Since we're acquaintances—"

"Colleagues."

" _I wanted to ask you to be my wingman._ "

King Dedede gritted his beak and waited for Meta Knight's answer. There was nothing but a long silence in response.

Then Dedede thought of something and began chuckling. "Hey," he said, getting up to try and poke at Meta Knight. "Hey, take out your wings so I can make the joke properly."

Meta Knight avoided Dedede's large yellow hand and jumped to the ground. "I'm leaving." He started towards the exit.

"No, wait! Come on, Meta Knight. I know we don't always see eye to eye, but I'm on my knees begging here!"

"You are not," Meta Knight said without looking back as Dedede pursued him down the hall.

"Figuratively, I am!" King Dedede put on his best puppy dog eyes, but still didn't get down on his knees. After all, he was a king. He would bow to no one.

"Do you even know what figuratively means?"

"More or less! Come on, Meta Knight, I _need_ you!"

To his surprise, Meta Knight stopped short. He turned around and faced Dedede, who was daring enough to stick out his lower beak in an attempt to look even more pathetic. For a long moment, Meta Knight just stared at him, his expression unreadable behind his mask. Dedede imagined all of the insults that were boiling just beneath the surface. He braced himself for when they were burst forth and scald him. He never could have imagined what Meta Knight would say next.

"I accept."

"YES!" Overjoyed, King Dedede sprang straight up into the air and landed with a resounding _boom._ "I knew you couldn't say no to your king!"

"You are not my king," Meta Knight said flatly. "I will do it because I am bored. But on one condition: payment."

King Dedede deflated ever so slightly, hoping Meta Knight didn't know about the _stash._ He rushed to distract him. "Oh yeah, money! No worries, I've got tons! And you'll need it since you're always crashin' that Halberd of yours. Haw haw!" He guffawed loudly, hoping that he was in the clear.

But Meta Knight was a bird dog that had already caught the scent of his prey, and there was no leading him astray. "I know you hoard sweets in your room."

Dedede flinched as though he'd been punched in the gut. "Aw c'mon, Meta Kni—"

"I want half."

King Dedede felt a tear come to his eye, thinking of his stash being cut in half. His mind raced to think of a way to cheat Meta Knight out of this, to open up a loophole he could climb into later. But then he realized that if all of this worked out, he'd wind up with something far sweeter than sweets in the end.

Meta Knight held out his gloved hand, offering it to Dedede.

King Dedede winced as he took it and shook it. _For Palutena._ "You drive a hard bargain, but you've got yourself a deal," he told Meta Knight.

"Very well." Meta Knight unsheathed his sword and began cleaning it with a cloth. "So I'm to assassinate Cloud so that he will no longer stand in your way."

"WHAT! I never said that!"

"Is that not the job of a wingman?" Meta Knight's wings flapped out on either side of him and his eyes shone with humor at his stolen joke. "Do not worry. No one will even realize he is gone, I promise you that. Do you remember the little mii from when we first moved into the bigger mansion? The one who ran about wearing one of my masks, shouting that he was me?"

King Dedede scratched his chin, pondering. "Now that you mention it, yeah! I haven't seen him around for months. Whatever happened to that guy?"

"Exactly." Meta Knight sheathed his sword and turned to go.

"Wait, Meta Knight." King Dedede put a hand on his shoulder to stop him. "I think the others might notice if Cloud disappears. Just a hunch."

"Then what would you have me do?"

"I dunno. Can't you just throw on a leather jacket and some sunglasses and start harassin' Palutena so I can swoop in to save the day?"

Meta Knight's eyes were slits. "I'm not doing that."

"Please, Meta Knight! I'm on my knees, begging—"

"Stop saying that!" Meta Knight snapped. "It would be a lot more effective if you actually did it instead of saying it."

Dedede's shoulders slumped. He hung his head in defeat. "Look…" he mumbled. "There's not a whole lot I care about in life aside from myself—"

"You don't say."

"—but I care about _this._ " Dedede met Meta Knight's eyes, resolve hardening his features. "All my life I felt like I was out of everyone's league and now I've found someone who comes close or…may even be out of my league, as difficult as it is to admit it. I have no idea what to do! I need some guidance. I need someone who's got my back."

Meta Knight sighed deeply. And instead of sassing Dedede, he decided to take his plight seriously. "Fine," he declared. "I will help you in any way that I can."

"Thanks, pal." Dedede smiled, but something still weighed heavily in his chest. He sat on the ground, sighing. Meta Knight stood by his side, looking at him curiously. "Even so…" the penguin said, "I'm not so sure it'll turn out in my favor. After all…what's a king to a goddess?"


End file.
